OldManGuy

 

By

Obododimma Oha 

Oldman Guy he would walk  his bike

All the way

He would walk bent double

OldmanGuy he would growl

OldmanGuy he would bark

And you'd be forced to run

Run to your mother

Run into your mother's womb

OldmanGuy is coming

Coming to swallow you!

OldmanGuy he would walk

As if on all fours

As if getting ready to pounce

OldmanGuy from the past of the past

OldmanGuy now walking his bike

And bent double

In my adult dreams, in which I am still

Running to my mother for shelter 

OldmanGuy is growling and coming. 

The Cow and What It Will Mop up with Its Tail

 

By

Obododimma Oha

Some countries have a cow problem.  In fact, they can playfully be called "cowtries."  In "cowtries" ,  cows move about freely and enter wherever they like. They are not kept on leash or in ranches. They can enter a garden or a farm and eat up the crops in the name of going natural. If the gardener or farmer complains, the idiot can be shot with AK-47 and nothing would happen. 

In "cowtries,"  cows are more  important than citizens. If a citizen kills a cow eating in a farm, such a citizen could be killed and the law would look the other way. In short,  the cow is the law, the only law. The cow should actually wear a wig and sit on the bench. 

But the Igbo have this lovely proverb: "Ehi ga-eji ọdụ ya tere ihe ọ nyụrụ" (The cow will mop up what it defecates with its tail). It is a warning as well as a consolation. So, the cow should stop now and think. It should stop moving around freely and entering wherever it likes. Otherwise, the devil. 

The cow believes that it is defecating for others. No sir! It is defecating for itself. It may not know this but the excrement waits, steaming for somebody. It is a defecation and was cooked and dished out by someone. 

The cow is the authority on excretion and owns excretion. Its tail is busy driving away flies in vain. The visiting flies saw the excretion and would like to report it well. The cow should stop terrorizing the visiting flies. The flies are on duty. 

It is part of mopping up the excrement with the tail. Is the cow surprised? 

One was wrong in thinking that it was only in movies on endtime that strange things could happen. One now knows better. 

Cow rule is indeed an era in the endtime. If the cow takes over power, horns have come. And you know what horns could do. It has to be horns versus horns as the cow also confronts the excrement. Cow rule may occasion hurt, but expect endtime retaliation from the excrement.

Cows that defecate everywhere they enter should get ready for everywhere mop up. It is not only the garden and the farm now complaining. Everything in civilization is complaining bitterly. That's a lot of trouble. That's a lot of bitterness there.

That is not to say that you don't have rights, cows. But these are not the right to transgress and beat your chest. It is not right to be wrong, cows.

As a matter of fact, you ,are the only cows. Country  folks are also cows. Don't they have colonies and routes? Don't they follow the herder from Washington to Paris? Don't they follow successful coup plotters and damn unsuccessful ones? They should respect cattle culture!

Anyway, we will all mop up our defecations. Tailless cows are lucky! 

The Many Englishes of the Nigerian in America

By

Obododimma Oha

This essay has been inspired by a Facebook update by the historian, Moses Ebe Ochonu. In the update, Ochonu writes :

It just occurred to me that I speak many Englishes. The English I speak to my children is different from the one I speak with my folks in Nigeria, which is radically different from the one with my students and other US folks. 

You would agree with me that this update is provocative and exciting, not just that it reveals the nature of an immigrant's English pluralism, but it reveals something about standing one leg in the "Inner Circle" of English and the other leg in the "Outer Circle." Braj Kachru locates native speakers of English found in places like Britain and America as belonging to the Inner Circle of English, while those on whom English was imposed through colonization, such as Nigeria and Ghana, belong to the Outer Circle. While the Inner Circle is norm producing (that is, it dictates correctness) the Outer Circle is norm using or norm consuming. Don't scratch your skull. Tokunbo culture could extend to language and language teaching! Did I say anything? 

Anyway, a bit on Ochonu. This man was born and brought up in the Outer Circle but he is a distinguished professor of History in an American university. He has also been living in the US with his family for a long while, only visiting Nigeria once in a while. So, his world is characterized by the twonesss of Inner and Outer Englishness. He also writes regularly on Facebook and his updates initiate important discourses. Obviously, Ochonu is a name among names, among African scholars of the moment. 

 Now, that update of his. First, his use of the word "folks" exposes his Americanness. Some other people may be inclined to use that word, but our man carries it as the snail carries its shell. One could perceive America there. In the Outer Circle, people don't say "folks" except when they want to appear American and affected. So, Ochonu is doing something in its choice, suggesting his difference. 

Then, the bigger issue : the version of English with which he communicates with his children is different from the one with which he communicates with his "folks" in Nigeria! Natural. But what is commendable is that Ochonu shows sensitivity of differences of context in doing so. He does not try to show off his Americanness to his "folks" as such in Nigeria. Context puts an obligation on him as a speaker of English. He is not the only diasporic Nigerian that does this anyway. I know so many Nigerian professors living in the US with their families who consciously speak like touts in Onitsha or Lagos whenever they visit Nigeria. Why are they not showing off their Americanness in their use of English? 

OK, if Ochonu tries to speak a Nigerian English while communicating with Nigerians in Nigeria and American English while communicating with his children in America (essentially to be understood), why is his English in communicating with his students and other Americans still different from the one he uses at home (in America)? He uses a variety of the language expected in these contexts so as not to be ridiculed. The music of his speech (which American students would dislike and call accent) could jeopardize his interactions in these contexts. 

This dislike for "accent" in the educational system is getting to other parts of the globe rapidly. It is a kind of shibboleth signifying to learners whom to trusts  his or her knowledge and whom to distrust! Imagine. In that case, Outer Circle individuals who want to be natural cannot be so in the Inner Circle. Quite disturbing. 

But the most important thing is what this all suggests about the Outer Circle diaspora person. Such a person is multilingual and multilectal. As in the case of Ochonu, the diaspora person standing between Outer and Inner Circle has to speak many varieties of English or many Englishes.