Of Servers and Other Expensive Shithole Jokes

By

Obododimma Oha

What is this nonsense talk about INEC not having servers? With all the millions of Naira they are paid? Wallahi, I am losing my patience. So, they cannot see all these girls moving up and down jobless and ask them to be servers foo foo, eba, moi moi, or whatever they want to eat there, kwo?Wallahi, they are doing nonsense!  I listened to that advice by Mustapha. I regret it now. I would have gone ahead to employ those girls from my village selling kunu myself. They are ready to work as servers. General servers, even at the meeting of the service chiefs.

Now, you tell me that INEC has no server. That is both impossible and irresponsible. So, that INEC man does not know that sometimes, there may be the need to serve tea, bournvita (my favourite), foo-foo, and fried rice? Unpardonable! I am going to drop him fast fast. What nonsense! He has disgraced me before the whole world. No server. Imagine! So, he will tell the world that we are too poor to get servers? Wallahi, I feel like stabbing him! And stabbing the mother that bore him. Nonsense! Imagine, no server. A whole election paid for and he said everything was going on well, that he had everything under control. Under control, indeed. Now, no single server!

Ok, if INEC does not like a particular type of food, can’t they tell me? Or tell one of these emirs to tell me. I won’t refuse. I would have just signed it, even without reading it. Sakasaka! But not to have servers at all is difficult for me to understand, wallahi.

Oh, are you sure that fellow heading INEC is not working for PDP or even Kanu? Wallahi, there is something about that man I don't quite understand. When he says he is coming, you can be sure that he is going! Now I understand. It is terrible to trust people. Especially these book people. Maybe they are laughing at me secretly that I can only afford a WASC certificate, and even looking for it. Maybe he is one of those secretly trying to make me look funny and my government to appear backward. Imagine. Ordinary server. So, they want to use that, too? To laugh at me? A whole me!

Wallahi, this has spoilt my day. It has put me in a bad mood. Even this journey that I have planned to make to London, I may have to cancel it. So, I will get there and all those white girls would remind me that we cannot afford servers back home? Wallahi, I have to cancel it. Am I not the one going? Imagine, when I was just angry over the fact that I have to share fresh London air with that Kanu! To think that he would breathe out and I would breathe in! Or that I would breathe out and he would breathe in!

 The same air! The same London! It is possible that when he dies and I die, we would be buried in the same earth and go to the same spiritworld!

Wallahi, that air and this earth are threatening national security and I have to alert the DSS. Imagine Kanu dead and I, too! What nonsense!

Now INEC is making things worse. Maybe they are secretly working for Kanu. Maybe the weapon he uses is the human being close to me. OK, I am going to settle this server problem once and for all. Now, the whole world would know that INEC has a server. Even servers! The whole world needs to know. Maybe that can correct the bad impression, wallahi.

Please, call those television and radio people. Tell them that I said that INEC has a server. They don’t need to show the picture. Ii is enough to say that INEC has a server. And it is coming from me. That carries some weight. Oh, why didn’t I think of this before. INEC has a server of servers: I am declaring it before the whole world!