Technology Headaches

By

Obododimma Oha

Some of us that are not used to modern technology or those used to a different kind technology may have headaches in handling devices powered by modern human technology. To put it mildly, such people are also bad users who quarrel with their tools. Is it in storing and retrieving valued information that one has created? Is it the identification of the appropriate application for an aspect of the information? Is it in handling inevitable problems in modern technology, like one’s computer hanging? Literally, is that device not giving its user some headaches?

Maybe this experiencer should narrate some personal experiences. I was in America for a programme and had the misfortune of wrestling with some technological devices, but learning in the process. Anyway, the story: I had to drop the right amount into the slot in the machine and be cleared first. One is familiar with waiting on a queue and complaining bitterly. Then, the soda would be released to me. I remember going through this process but not getting my drink. Maybe I did not drop the right amount. Maybe. The machine ignored my garagara allegation of “wayo” and the harsh question, “Nothing inside?” Then,  finally finally, the protester had to leave, threatening hellfire. 

On a second occasion, I was to produce my curriculum vitae using the available desktop equipped with a printer. But after typing my document, I did not select the right printer or did not know what to press to get the document printed. I ended up sending the document several times to the printer but succeeded in printing nothing. I was sorely frustrated and just had to leave. Later, I heard that other people wanted to print their documents but it was only my CV that came out. I answered in a low tone that it must have been the handiwork of a powerful juju master and kept my secret.

On another  occasion, I had to photocopy some documents. But, it was between me and the photocopying machine; there was no attendant to do it for me and collect the charge. The same way one, in wanting to buy soft drink (soda)  had to become a seller, too, and the machine was the witness. Nonsense. Finally, I had to leave, hoping that the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) of  my  country would arrest the machine or whoever kept it there.

Perhaps, the most bitter experience some years later in an Abuja hotel was my processing a well-articulated blog article on aviation, using my tablet. But I didn't know what  I must have pressed and the entire document (including its beautiful introduction and excellent conclusion) disappeared. I sweated and searched and searched but did not see it. I concluded that it must have been the handiwork of witches or wizard jealously watching me climb up higher or disgruntled aliens who could not abduct this weak human. In short, I had a poor appetite that evening and a terrible headache.

What keeps reminding me about that experience is the sight of a computer. I know that computers could be a headache, especially in some aspects, like the sudden hanging of the device. This hanging could be very painful. Just imagine this: when one is in a hurry, that is when one’s device chooses to hang. That stupid phone there goes on vacation. That useless laptop refuses to shift the page. Even that idiotic tablet allows strange pop-ups to interrupt. Finally, one in frustration gives up. Nonsense. It is just so annoying, but it is technology headache!

The greatest headache is the impossibility of accessing stored information from a computer because it can't be switched on and one has not been backing this information up! 

I dare not talk about the most recent frustration caused by too much confidence in technology!

So, you now have a little idea of the many "headaches" in this use of technology and in trying to close the gap in such use. One was burned, not just scared of the flames. Yes, one contested with the machine and regretted having ever thought  of such a contest and being naive enough to ask the competitor to complement or become an ally. 

It appears that the competitor cleverly takes over, laughing at one's naivety. The competitor learns to devour or hold up the activity and laughs at the simpleton struggling and hoping for a miracle.

One has even made it worse by making technology multiple, not just special assistant. Mobile phones by the side while one is praying or sleeping or working . Laptop lapped and asking to be fondled so as to cooperate. It had spoken ill of desktop, saying that it was   Old Cargo and Old School, that it should make way for younger blood. And when one is romancing the seemingly irresistible laptop, that jealous mobile phone cries out! Then, of course, there is the ATM that consents or disagrees, otherwise, NO lunch! Of course, one needs this lunch, this  special meal, before taking a tablet from Apple  or Windows. And so on. One has to live or die wired and technologised. And a technologised human has to feel the machine grind inside his or her mind.

The problem now seems to be what to narrate to the doctor about these headaches, the boundary between a  headache and a headache.

Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba

by

Obododimma Oha

Children like tales, especially those with adventures. I remember how we used to rush our suppers to go and sit and listen to the folktales told by an uncle or a grandfather. One character that featured regularly in those tales was "Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba" (King of Iduu and Oba). What was he known for? What were his regular attributes any time he was mentioned in those tales? Let me try to remember:

(1) He was very, powerful, mean, and used to pull out the teeth of his enemies  for fun to celebnrate New Yam festival;
(2) He was a kind of God; anyone that called upon him was sure of being protected; his image was enough fear;
(3) He was very wise and impartial;
(4) He was there invisibly or visibly, and he was only influencing things from the background.

So, this kind of figure was a given; it was taken for granted,unless it has to be invoked once in a while in the tale to resolve conflicts. Since we knew that he was mean and impartial, we could predict what he would do  if he was brought in at any point in the tale. Who says that such givens are not good for very winding and seemingly endless tales?

One character that often called on him or the kingdom itself was tortoise the trickster. Whenever he played one terrible trick and was sinking, or when one big animal that he cheated was about to take him out, tortoise would then call upon Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba and would be safe. In other words, it was a trick, too. Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba was deceived; the assailant was deceived, too. As far as tortoise was concerned, the fellow ruling Obodo Iduu na Oba, who called himself "Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba," was an idiot and a big fool. He could go to hell with his "Eze". That was not the business of the trickster. The "Eze" was a stupid fellow!

Calling on Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba was an exploitation of his powers, for personal advantage. In other words, other people, who may be downright bad, were using him. But he did not know. But we knew and we enjoyed the exploitation.

What kind of wisdom was this, to just sit in the kingdom until one was used and even misused? By our simple reckoning, it was crass foolishness. It was as if one had become a mushroom, which could be eaten by a milipede and picked by a hunter of mushrooms. It was not wisdom but naivety surrendering to the world.

Some historians maintain that "Iduu" is the Igbo name for Benin Empire and so "Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba" was the name of the emperor of Benin. I  do not know much about this and do not have any evidence. I would, therefore, restrict myself to this figure that manifested in the tales we listened to as children. Facts could be very slippery and so one should be careful.

Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba was ruling a great and expansive kingdom. His influence was far and enormous. One, in fact, wonders how he was able to manage these, but the most important thing was that his image was dominant. If he was invoked in a discourse, one should be afraid and wake up. In that  case, even if the action was taking place far far away in one remote jungle, the Eze was watching. In that case, the totalitarian ruler was almost omniscient and censorious. Play your tricks as long as you like, but wait for him. He was there waiting with a big stick at the end.

Was the tellers and transmitters of the tales promoting dictatorship and censorship? This is debatable. But one thing was certain: there was admiration for Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba. He a kind of God as we stated earlier, but he was quite fallible and human. It is Hegel in Philosophy of History that stated that Africa admired dictators and was full of tyrants. He stated that this lover of mischief was not a known historical part of the world. Did you hear that, Eze Obodo Iduu? Before you are finally erased from books written by Hegel, ask my uncles and grandpa to change your attributes in the tale. Humane dictators are no longer fashionable.

One prominent issue was the protection of criminals by the name and image of the dictator. Tortoise was one such criminal but who often passed as a law-biding citizen and an admirer of Eze Obodo Iduu na Oba. But the fact was that tortoise did not give a damn about it and was ready to use a terrible trick to ruin it. So, unknowingly, Eze Obodo Iduu was also a protector of criminals in his so-called "kingdom."

If our common attitude to dictatorship is the main issue, what about indirect statement about the installation of dictatorship into young minds and into societies? You would agree with me: these are worrisome and our celebration of characters like Eze Obodo Iduu requires caution. The main point is that we must watch those narratives and the ways they mould and remould lives; in fact, the ways they handle lives.

Looking for Trouble

by

Obododimma Oha

If your name is "Nsogbu" (Trouble), as in the name, "Nsogbuụwa" (literally, "Troubles of this world" or "Zerensogbu"(Avoid Trouble), and somebody is looking for you, is the person not "Looking for Trouble"? Trouble is trouble, whether an affix or the root word. You are looking for trouble if you do not know that what is just an affix could suddenly become a root word. You should know that change means rankshifting and strangeness is the colour of the time.

The name "Nsogbu" should excite directors of films at Nollywood. That is, when one thinks of eloquent names like "ụkwa," "Akị na Paw Paw," etc. "Nsogbu;" that sounds great. Great and hippy because the bearer can pass as a bad boy and a dreaded fellow. Who would see a labelled "Trouble" and go near it?

In a 1971 album named "Yanga Sleep Trouble Wake Am," the maverick Fela Anikulapo Kuti sang of how pride can ensnare us, making us subject to trouble. This is true. The oppressor is not always an outsider who works against us. The oppressor could be in one's head, so that if one really wants freedom, that inner demon has to be shackled first. That is not to say that the external oppressor is no longer there. The sleeping yanga should not be activated. So, Fela was a mentalist at the beginning? Good to know. Especially if one is talking about troubles.

I feel excited when I hear expressions like: "You are looking for trouble," "You are asking for trouble," "He is looking for my trouble," "You are asking for my trouble," etc. So, somebody wants to activate trouble that is resident somewhere? Fela was right: "yanga sleep, trouble wake am."

It is worse when the "freedom fighter" has been known to be romancing with those ruling, enjoying the bait that comes in many forms. Then, that parrot begins to sing a different song one day. First, the parrot is invited and asked to stop, but this talker continues, thinking that patron saints do not remember their offensive mortality. The "freedom fighter" is later picked up and kept out of sight for a while.

As some people have argued, it appears that some fellows prefer dying in silence ("suffering and smiling") to somebody called a "radical" coming to their community to stir the pot of wahala. Some may be afraid of being free and being able to question how they are ruled. So, whoever makes trouble and looks in their direction, it is argued, is really Mr. or Mrs. Trouble. That trouble-maker should be chased away!

That sometimes happens when those that are afraid of "troublesome freedom" have long lived in deprivation and so see it as the normal way of life. When they have lived in despair and have no hope of getting out of it, chances are that they would not like a talk of "revolution." Revo-wetin? You want to upset things?
So, the irony is that those asking or working for genuine liberation are "trouble-makers." Those ruling and oppressing would even harness the irony, turning lexical items on their heads to favour the government, so that those talking of freedom are branded "trouble-makers" and the very oppressed are indoctrinated to believe it and even propagate it. Sad, if it becomes the pandemic in any society.

What is the business of "security agents" if not to deal with "trouble-makers," those hot-heads who want to "pour sand into the garri" of the fellow in power? Those "security agents" are following orders and overzealous ones can even over-do what they have been ordered to do. The important thing is that they are the "security agents" of the fellow in power, even if this means being the "insecurity" of liberation workers. Whose "security"? in a world where things are on their heads?

Trouble-making quarrels easily with "I am the state" or "the state is me." It is for "I am the state" to define and redefine. If "I am the state" says that you are a trouble-maker, then, you are automatically a trouble-maker. If "I am the state" says that you are a terrorist, then, you have become a terrorist. It does not matter what the dictionaries say or what the professors teach in the classrooms. The meaning authorized and mobilized by "I am the state" is the meaning. Is that not the frightening climate of George Orwell's Nineteen Eight-Four?

Let us reflect further on "Nsogbu" as a name that a popular street tough would likely adopt. "Nsogbu" is coming! And everyone would be alert. Then, the street tough with bad walk passes bye. Didn't I say that Nollywood would easily buy that? The link between the meaning of the name and the bearer  who may have to cultivate other signifiers (bad walk, terrible clothes, way of chewing, toothpick in the mouth, etc) makes the drama appealing. But this is beyond humour and laughter. It is a serious matter that can involve death. Because trouble comes with upsets. It even sends an invitation to its relatives saying, "Come fast. There is somebody who wants his or her life to be miserable." And they hasten to honour the invitation.

When next somebody starts looking for trouble, either through clipped naming or through the law, let the person think. Trouble is listening and will rise to come and will send out invitations.

Nollywood Films and the Wrong Depiction of the Nigerian Village

by

Obododimma Oha

 The stereotypical image of the Nigerian "village" in Nollywood films is that it is a territory of evil, duplicity, and a context people just have to escape from in order to progress. This thinking has grown into a big superstition which propels business for non-creative scriptwriters and film-makers. But the "village" is really a place in transition and does not always contain the conservative systems ascribed to it. At most, what is ascribed to it may be mere fiction -- which viewers regard as hard facts sadly --  and this fiction only exists in the imagination of scriptwriters and film-makers who may be out purely to make money. This brief essay reminds us that we are dealing with fiction in looking at the village through the films and that we need to be very careful instead of using what we view to reinforce our prejudices and seek to run away from the "village."


First, just look at the kind of people posted to act as devils in the "village." They could be school dropouts, petty thieves, and pocket rulers who wear unwashed red caps. These people are arranged as gate-keepers who kill progrssive ones from the "city." Hardly does the "city" inflict its own shit on village life. So, it is true? If you go to your village, they will kill you! You will come back a corpse. Let us remain in the city. So, it is just between my husband and I. No interaction with village people or with town union.  You want to appear before them? Didn't you see that film last night? Chineke e!

And so the naive fellow keeps away, at least, in the interest of peace in the home.

The village is populated by vultures. When they kill, they eat. Moreover, you only take corpses back there to bury and they bring out their antiquated notebooks and check the dead fellow's fines (if the dead fellow registered by mistake). So, the village is a vulture, only receiving dead bodies.

Indeed and ironically, somebody can have fleets of cars and live like a king in the "city" but will only have one room (probably shared with siblings) in the "village." The village knows hunger and starvation. The village knows poverty in the midst of affluence.

Do you see one reason why escape is necessary? Escape from poverty. Escape from backwardness. Escape from want.

The escapee will soon come back, after  getting involved in a money ritual, and will be awfully rich. The escpee-returnee may be driving one flashy jeep and may become an instant celebrity. Songs would instantly composed and funny dance exhibited. Welcome escapee-returnee, but don't hope to go back to the "city" without being infected first.

How can you talk about the "village" without talking about charms? Charms waved over what you have been given to eat. Charms around your house. Charms somewhere at your building site, to tie your hands and stop the money. Charms around your beautiful wife, to stop her from conceiving and bearing a son! Check mother-inlaw's tongue! Charms everywhere. Charms more powerful than COVID-10. Evil fellows! No wonder you are down there in the bush.

So, the "village" may not be charming, but it lives and moves and has its being in charms. Beware. Be aware.

Do you see that retired Baba and that retired Mama? They have stayed back in the city to enjoy all the noise and pollution and not go back to the village. That old Baba is looking for a retirement job and may be employed somewhere to cut grass with a rusty cutlass and man somebody's gate. Is it not better to have somebody who is halfway in his journey to the spiritworld look after the gate? Okara mmadụ, ọkara mmụọ. If previously a lecturer, aah, there are private and faith-based universities to retire to and start getting cheap stress from students. And the old Mama: she is selling groundnuts and roasted corn at the junction. What is the point retiring to the dangerous "village"?

We can see that the the Nigerian "village" is depicted as a terrible headache. Only those who worship Satan and are hardened ritualists survive there. Going to the village? Maybe because one is mad or wants to use power to fight power.

This twoness of space in Nigeria is antithetical. Of course, societies that are postcolonial but still patronise London and Washington may be used to twonesses. Even this essay; it is either with American English or British English. One colonisation gone, another colonisation instituted. Also, the city there, the village here. Even village cities and city villages. Contradiction. Contrary diction.

It is even more disturbing when fiction becomes reality. Why would villages not be seen as zones of evil fellow if chimps and snakes can swallows millions of dollars? Why would villages have skyscrappers but bad roads, while cities enjoy pitch darkness for days? When contradictions become normal, films that imitate life can fabricate, making fiction look like fact and many believe this.

Moreover, with social isolation, where does one go for moonlight play? Is it not better to be glued to African Magic or any other movie-oriented station, and to swallow what it gives out? So, you see. Nollywood is helping social isolation, otherwise many would run mad. They just have to chew something.

Sorry, "village." As you are transiting, this idea of being "a village city" may have its discomforts. They have depicted you as an evil empire. But that may even be an introduction.

"Stay Safe"

by

Obododimma Oha

Some network providers in mobile telephony and even banks know that times like this need slogans. But, we have to "stay safe," both from what the slogan is doing to us and from the perilous time. Slogans could be pretentious and ceremonial as aspects of social discourse. That is even more why you need to have  immunity from them.

This looks like being insensitive or as if one has just  dropped from Mars. One is unsafe here, in the first place. Unsafe from the bullets of security and insecurity agents. If one does not diminish, one could perish. Just like that. So, telling you to "stay safe" is either a joke or a statement of what you already know. You have always been unsafe and can do little or nothing about it.

But beyond what you already know, take note of this. It was Abraham Maslow who saw security or safety as one of the important needs of human beings. After physiological needs, we have safety needs coming as human basic need. In that case, we can easily see that safety is very important and are not surprised that it can be capitalized upon to pretend to look after our interest. Only clever manipulators can do this. And hardly can we think that our simplicity is being played it.

OK, we care for you. Granted. Stay safe from a pandemic. Stay safe from bad leadership. Stay safe from our exploitation? Network providers always have ways. Biting your poorly-washed fingernails and blowing some air to make the host feel comfortable and not think of being attacked. Like hungry but clever mice.

But let us face it: the slogan is an attempt to manage an impression. It could be that the source of the message cares, especially at a time like this. It should make the government agency that grants or renews licences happy when it comes to attending to the well-wisher. It is, in fact, one clever way of staying safe with a government that talks about corruption. So, networks, stay safe, too!

If you say "Stay safe,"you are not only a well-wisher but also reminding us about what we need to constantly think about. Some have even removed the name of the network and have substituted it with "stay safe." The new name is now "Stay safe." That renaming is some sacrifice, a lot of sacrifice. Imagine substituting your network identity with a reminder. Please, "Stay safe."

My network is now "Stay safe." Whenever I use my phone, I am sending out the message through "Stay safe." In fact, "Stay safe" is the metamessage. Is that surprising?

This safety need which is a reminder which is a warning which is a renaming.... is not like every other slogan. It is inscribed on every casket of suspected victims of COVID-19. The slogan makes one lose appetite. One is being reminded that death is waiting and watching with arms folded.

There a very thin line between CARE and SCARE. "Stay safe" could be both. Sometimes you could be given a scare in the process of showing care. It is just one letter, "s" that separates "scare" from "care," but sometimes one attacked by COVID-19 may realize one as the other.

My worry is this: I suspect that communication experts have asked my network providers to reach potential victims with slogan, but I know that tragedy is more than a slogan and cannot be compensated by one. All the same, "Stay safe" in this endtime.

Feeding Your Eyes and Offending Your Mind

by

Obododimma Oha

Many experts would agree that feeding has a psychology. One has to enjoy one's meal. Taking a meal is not the time to overlook the food or eat absent-mindedly. I know that many people are now attached to phones, TV shows, films, etc. They like feeding their eyes and by so doing feed their minds. But this kind of feeding of the mind can conflict with and offend feeding the body,  so that the food we ingest is mere excess luggage. The body cannot be insulted or bribed when the mind is somewhere else. This essay  is simply saying that both are good but have to be done appropriately and in a non-conflicting way.

Phones and films are great stressors and means of killing time. The local Igbo who describe films as "elelebe ejeghị ọrụ" (That which somebody watches and fails to go to work) are very right. Such activities can consume our time if we are attached to them.That means that we should use them wisely. Like every habit, they try to control us. We should not let that happen. Is it a phone call when one is in the middle of something? NO; let it ring out. Is it God calling you? Later you can check and see the "missed Call" and return the call. Same for the films.Don't let the attachment to "ezemmụọ syndrome" lead you to forget that you are putting your android phone inside the soup and not some salt.

But this is about feeding and insulting or offending the mind. When you need to watch your favourite programme on TV is not the time to pretend to attend to your stomach. That is also not the time for "ezemmụọ." Your stomach is asking for a lot of care; is it? Your stomach has to respect modern multi-tasking; is it? Please, feed while you feed and watch pictures while you watch.

Watching pictures would help you to laugh, to smile, to chuckle, to unburden, to take life easy, etc. But it would also make you feed on the raw emotions of others, internalize such, and temporarily step out of yourself to be somebody else or to sympathize with X and Y and be a partisan politician. When you are at table, that is not the time to play all that politics.

It could even be worse if eating and watching pictures are jointly done just before turning in for the night. So, someone has to go to bed with all those emotions burdening one's mind, coupled with the sad experience of COVID and cattle militia? It is highly possible that the fellow would have bad dreams or start shouting while asleep and kicking the next sleeper like football. Even the supper that is taken absent-mindedly may be digested absent-mindedly by the body, leading to indigestion. But the body and the mind need to work together on the food and happily, too. Absent-mindedly ingested, NO.

There was a lady supervior of cookery that I was lucky to have come across in Lagos sometime ago. She would stand to see you served and would then say, "Enjoy your food." That became her signature greeting equivalent to "Bon appetit." I am beginning to realize how right she was. Enjoy your food and do not be distracted. Enjoy our creativity that comes as this food. Enjoy the beauty of this food and the beauty served as this food. Just enjoy.

And she would be beaming with smiles, as if one has to eat her face first, then, eat the food.
Am I beginning to sound like a motivational speaker? An expert in cookery? NO. None of these. Just an idiotic fellow telling you also to enjoy your food. Telling you on behalf of that lady beaming with smiles somewhere. I wished the warmth of her smile and her good wish would follow me to every table.

Didn't I say that watching pictures was also feeding of the mind? Indeed, what you see is what is fed to the mind , what is thought about. So, at other times, be careful with what you feed to the mind. I don't blame those children who easily lose interest in "crazy" adult programmes and prefer to play with their toys. Those indigestible narratives that adults use in complicating their lives. Those painful but "stupid" quarrels. Abeg, I won't play with you again.

Well, you have got it. When you watch your disturbing pictures is not when to pretend to be eating and enjoying your food. Your food is your life. Enjoy your life. If you want to disturb that life later with sad pictures, you can do so.

Watching a film or TV while eating is not always good for your mind and body that receives the food. Eating has a psychology. Those in the film or TV won't know that you are eating if they say or do something that would make you lose appetite. Respect your table today.

Trouble-maker

By

Obododimma Oha

If you still know
the difference between right and wrong
You are
a trouble-maker

If you do not accept
that the abnormal is normal
You are an unrepentant trouble-maker

If you do not think
that a snake can enter
a well-guarded State House
and swallow millions of dollars
You are a terrible trouble-maker from Mars

If you believe appointments are ethnocentric
it means you have been reading too much
narratives of conspiracy, and need to COVID-mask
as a trouble-making spirit
dancing naked in the global village square

Trouble-maker
Rabble-rouser
dangerous citizen
a cocked AK-47 pointing to your head.